What Have I Done?

Happy New Year—

Back so soon and once again here I am, trying to ignore the ingrained feeling that I should think about the year ahead and make some resolutions. 

I’ve posted before about how I used to come up with eighteen resolutions every New Year’s Eve. Three in each of six different categories. I know… it’s embarrassing! My only defence is that it gave me a purposeful glow and for those few hours each year I felt in control of my life. 

Then two years ago I wrote that I had at last recognised the folly of all those broken promises to myself and was planning instead to focus on a couple of themes for the coming year. Balance maybe. Nuance? Trains? Being kinder? All flexible and open to interpretation. But I quickly realised that even this tame affair was too controlled. So I decided I would just get on with trying to enjoy things for their own sake. No goals. 

As an approach it’s gone quite well and I’ve managed not to make any New Year resolutions for some time now. It’s a kind of anti-achievement. Nonetheless however much I try to eschew the idea of commitments the start of a fresh new year does feel symbolic. It’s an opportunity for something. So this January I’ve turned my previous habits upside-down and instead of thinking about the year ahead, I’ve thought back over the past year. Rather than making it about what I want to do, it’s about what I’ve done. Given the speed with which past resolutions have crumbled and got forgotten, it’s vastly more reliable. It’s interesting, too, because there’s an element of surprise. 

Last year brought quite a few things that evolved without much planning, and which turned out to be enjoyable and worthwhile. I visited new places, read satisfying books, spent happy times with friends and family, and did some more coastal walking. Those things were all individual events but meanwhile behind the scenes other less definable, diffuse goings-on were having a significant impact. Two in particular, were important although they would never have made it onto my resolutions list because I wasn’t aware of their value until I lived them. 

One was discovering that I don’t care what other people think, anything like as much as I used to. I don’t know how that happened. But it did. I became aware of it earlier in the year when I had to give a talk and realised that for the first time ever, I didn’t feel tortured by self-doubt. I gave it my best and hoped that some people would like it and find it interesting. But I also knew there was a chance that some people would find it boring or even irritating. It’s just the way it is. You can’t please all the people all the time. I’ve got a friend who says she can’t stand David Attenborough. Yes, David Attenborough. Even Jane Austen—St Jane— hasn’t captured all hearts. Mark Twain thought her “…entirely impossible. It seems a great pity to me that they allowed her to die a natural death. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and hit her over the skull with her own shinbone.”  

The development of my insouciance has been invisible to all but me but it has had a physical manifestation—it’s coincided with a change of hairstyle. For my entire adult life, I’ve peered out through a fringe and much of my face has been hidden behind it. My forehead has not been seen for decades but earlier this year, quite out of the blue, I decided that I’m through with that. I want to look at the world with less fear and accept how others see me, for better or for worse. At the moment every day is a bad hair day as my former fringe is growing out and can’t seem to sit happily in any position. It’s anyone’s guess where my parting will end up but despite knowing that my hair looks a bit weird and dishevelled, I really don’t care. It’s a symbol of my new mindset.  

The second thing that took me by surprise this year, is living through a creative block. If you’ve read this blog before then you might remember that for about four months, I lost all interest in writing despite being part-way through my third book. Somehow I managed not to panic. I even accepted that I might never write again and found myself thinking about that famous line from the Serenity Prayer—“grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Then one week in July, as unexpectedly as it had disappeared, the desire to write returned. From that point on, I whizzed along and by the end of November the book was more or less finished. It’s currently with an editor. 

Once this stage is done, I’ll decide what to do next. No goals. No expectations. 

I’ll let you know what happens. 

Not Guilty

fireworks 2

It’s the beginning of another year and I’ve been wondering what to choose for my New Year resolution. People have been doing this for hundreds of years; the Romans saw it as an opportunity to improve their lives and there was a time when I used to sit down on New Year’s Eve and make eighteen resolutions. Yes—EIGHTEEN—three in each of six categories. Relationships, work, home and health were covered and it’s now so long ago that I can’t remember what the other two were. But I do know that the mere act of creating a list was satisfying; a list brimming with the comforting belief that each item would be addressed comprehensively and effectively. This enthusiasm continues today in the form of my treats list, but looking back now, my resolutions list seems ridiculously earnest and I feel guilty about it.

It was naive, too. A study by psychologist Richard Wiseman looked at the New Year resolutions of 3,000 people and found that 88% didn’t manage to achieve them. These findings echo my own experience as year after year the same general themes would crop up; be a nicer person, be better organised, be more successful, and be thinner and greener. And each year I would review the previous year’s goals and pretty much nothing would have changed.

list

One of the reasons why willpower is so difficult to muster is that we have too many other things to think about. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that deals with purposeful behaviour and an experiment by Stanford University’s Professor Baba Shiv demonstrated how it responds to pressure. He divided 165 undergraduates into two groups and gave them things to remember. One group got two digits while the other group got a sequence of seven digits. They were told to walk down a corridor and go into a room where they were to say these digits out loud. But just before the entrance to the room they were offered a ‘reward’ for their efforts: either a piece of chocolate cake or a bowl of fruit salad. The students who had the longer sequence to remember were more than twice as likely to choose chocolate cake than those who had the simpler task. The fact that this group tended to choose the less healthy food suggests that willpower is significantly compromised by having other things to think about. And with most of us juggling busy lives this has implications for whether we manage to keep to our resolutions.

chocolate cake 5

Perhaps in the past I simply had too many resolutions to work on at once. But I do like the sense of purpose they give and I’m not ready to give up on them yet. This year I’ve resolved to choose just one, so it had better be good and I’ve been racking my brain to think what it could be.

Something health-related is an obvious candidate; I could definitely benefit from a regular exercise programme. This will have to be swimming since I detest getting hot and sweaty and a good resolution would be ‘to swim three times a week’. But on second thoughts I know what will happen. Anyone sensible would make the days go along the lines of ‘swim, no swim, no swim, swim, no swim, swim, no swim’. In my case what will happen is ‘no swim, no swim, no swim, no swim’ and then ‘swim, swim, swim’ all packed into the end of the week. That sounds like a recipe for stress.

Or rather than immersing myself in water, I could decide to drink it instead. We’re constantly being told to stay hydrated but like many things that should be beneficial, I find this difficult. A while ago, I decided to drink two litres of water a day. I kept it up for a couple of weeks and there was no doubt that my skin had more of a glow to it. However, I failed to acquire the promised extra energy as I was exhausted from getting up four times a night to pee.

water

Another resolution could be ‘to have a cleaner, tidier house’. It would be fairly easy to introduce regular dusting into my life. Though, as Molly’s boyfriend pointed out in a recent fit of logic, it should really be called ‘dedusting’. But actually when I think about it, I’m not bothered about a bit of dust and no-one ever said on their deathbed that they wish they’d done more dedusting.

duster

However, there is one thing that I’d like to work on this year. It was prompted by hearing Nigella Lawson on Woman’s Hour, some time ago. She said, ‘Guilt is about me, me, me,’ and I’ve wondered about it ever since. It made me realise that I say, ‘I feel guilty’ about all manner of things like not contacting friends, breaking promises, and being thoughtless. But it’s all too easy to say the words and it doesn’t help anyone, neither the person I say I feel guilty about, nor me. So from now on I’m aiming to avoid this particular sentiment. I’ll try to act on the negative feeling and to be more thoughtful but if I don’t manage it, then that’s just the way it is.

And I take back what I said in that first paragraph above—I no longer feel guilty that I used to make eighteen resolutions. I’ve just done something about it.

happy new year